This post is quarter part snowboarding, two thirds part bloody hilarity, three eighths part drunken shenanigans, full part totally fucking awesome. This little video you're about to watch is from a day of riding at Beaver Creek last week, in which HS crew member Brian was having one of the worst days he's ever had riding his snowboard. Luckily for you readers, and for my personal amusement, I caught some of his mishaps on camera and now we get to watch and laugh at Brian. Enjoy.
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HAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I laugh quite forcefully every time I watch that...
So the next part of this post also comes from Brian, this time in the form of the written word, and has absolutely nothing to do with snowboarding, or anything else this blog is about, it's just really funny. After he smashed his face on the mountain, he proceeded to go back to Greely and get smashed, then get his face smashed... Again. He wrote up this little memoir, if you will, of the nights epic adventure, and sent it to me since I wasn't fortunate enough to witness the pandemonium. I was at a Starbucks in Silverthorne when I first read this and was visibly laughing out loud, drawing attention to myself. I couldn't help it though... This shit is funny. Perhaps I think it's funny because I know the majority of the people involved. Brian is quite the sarcastic smart-ass and his mouth has a tendency to get him in trouble sometimes. I would recommend reading the whole thing, and if you don't laugh, well then, you can never come back to this blog. Just kidding... But really, you better laugh. Dig it.
The names of almost all the people involved in this story have been changed to protect the innocent, except Brian's. (who also goes by Dinger)
From the Desk of Brian the Bloody Face...
Wild Saturday Nite
So I have complied the stories of everyone I know that was there to witness the idiocy that conspired this weekend. Since I was blacked out at 9 clock, I had to be informed of everything that went down…..The nite went a little like this.
7:00 p.m. Jake and I hit Romas for dinner. We finished off a pizza after waiting a considerable amount of time for the dude that was serving us to actually notice that we were alive. He felt the need to serve the other 6 tables he had because they had 6 people each. In hindsight, the tip from those tables was probably more than are meal cost total, so I can see his rationale. I proceed to consume a 34 ounce margarita, and Jake downs a 34 ounce beer.
8:00 p.m. We head to the bar where my good friend “Bartender” is working and I begin to drink. I have my first beer.
8:01 p.m. I finish said beer. I have my second beer. Jake decides that he would rather play pool then continue on at this pace. Him and “Randy” go and begin to play pool.
8:02 p.m. I finish second beer. I decide that beer will not suffice, and I have to move on to something stronger. Bartender passes me a shot of Patron. It goes down way to smooth. I decide that shots are the way to go tonight.
8:10 p.m. I decide to order a round of shots. I bring 2 over to Randy and Jake. The next goes to this weird guy that is sitting in the corner of the bar staring at everyone. He seems lonely. I believe that a shot will change his fortune, so I pass him 1 and I drink 1. The guy drinks it and smiles. He is a creepy dude.
8:12 p.m. I order another round of shots. I bring 2 over to Randy and Jake at the pool table. I find a new old guy who is super rad and I give him 1 and I take the other 1.
8:15 p.m. I order another round of shots. At this time “Colby” is showing up to the bar. I think it is going to be a great night. He brings “Madusa”. I think it is going to be a horrible night I bring 2 shots over to Randy and Jake at the pool table. They're not there, I walk back to the bar. Both are getting more beer. I hand them the shots, and hand Colby a shot.
8:20 p.m. I make fun of Medusa for a bit because….well I’m an asshole and I hate her. I order another round of shots. I give 1 to Colby, I drink mine, and I give the other 2 to Randy and Jake.
8:21 p.m. I am starting to get loud. I am clearly buzzed. I know this because I look around at the bar and for some reason half of the bar is looking at me. I tell myself I rule and order another round of shots. This time I order Flaming Dr. Peppers. Bartender says, “Are you kidding? I can’t do those they’re a fire hazard man.” I inform him that that is alright with me, but he still says no. I tell him to give them to me without the flame. He shrugs and decides this is alright. I get the round of flaming Dr. Peppers and hand them out to the usual group. They taste EXACTLY like Dr. Pepper.
8:25 p.m. I sit down at the table and start to make fun of Medusa for a while because….well like I said I’m an asshole and I hate Medusa. The table next to us is a table of 4 girls. I hear that three of them were decent looking, the fourth was a mom. I decide that I look incredible after these shots and that I want to fuck the mom. I begin being very nice and spitting my awesome game, but it quickly becomes clear to me that this is going nowhere, so I do what I do best, and begin, as Colby puts it, “Being a fucking asshole.” I make fun of her for being out at the bar at her age and proceed to tell her how big of a joke she is and how her kids are at home getting high rite now. I laugh to myself as everyone at the table looks at me in disgust. I go back to the bar for another round.
8:26 p.m. I call Bartender over and order another round. I take it upon myself to inform him also that Medusa is under age and that he should not serve for. He thanks me. I feel great, I have successfully ruined her night. Bartender brings me another round of Dr. Peppers. I give a shot to the cool ass old dude at the bar, and bring the other 3 over to the table, where “Tyson” has shown up to. I give him a shot, I take 1, and I give 1 to Colby. I think that I am real cool after I take my shot, so I put my glass down and coolly slide the shot glass across the table. The glass doesn’t stop, slides off the table into Tyson’s lap, and smashes on the ground. I laugh. “Amy”, one of the bartenders that we know walks over and says she saw it with a smile on her face and picks up the pieces. “Amy” rules.
8:30 p.m. I am clearly drunk by this time, and am still ordering shots at an alarming rate. I am sitting at the bar now because I am convinced that the girls at the other table are going to kill me, and I can’t take that humiliation. I am sitting at the bar with the cool ass old dude who is talking to me about girls, when some quite large girls, chunky would be putting it nicely, come over to order drinks from Bartender. They say they want something fruity. This makes me laugh hysterically and me and the old guy start laughing together. They order sex on the beach, and this kills me. That’s just comedy. Fat girls wanting sex on the beach….as if. She can’t take a joke and leaves very upset. Fuck her. I order another round of shots. I get 1 for me, 1 for Colby, 1 for Jake and Randy each, and 1 for the old dude who is still laughing. I take the shots over to Colby at the table, where I get some sweet looks from every girl there. Medusa is there telling them how big of an ass I am, shocker. I sit down to take my shot but decide that I want it to be a true flaming Dr. pepper. Not having the flame will not suffice. I take Colby's lighter and try and light the shot on fire for the next five minutes. The girls tell me that this is not a good idea. I disagree. The shot never lights on fire so I end up just taking it. I take 2 shots over to Randy and Jake, who are still playing pool and drinking beer, and at the table next to them are the girls that I was laughing at at the bar, with their very large boyfriends. They are still not happy with me.
8:40 p.m. I am quickly reaching blackout state, but those damn Dr. peppers taste so damn good that I have to keep consuming them. I order another round for everyone, and this is where the night turns for me.
This is where I blacked out…..around 9 at night. The rest of the story I gathered from other people, bits and pieces to make a full night for me. Times are estimated now, considering the fact that I have no recollection of anything that happened.
~9:00 p.m. I am drunk texting every girl I know, and the ones that take the time to write me back inform me that everything I am sending them is unreadable. I decide to take 3 more shots of flaming Dr. peppers, and then proceed to call a girl whose dad works with mine. I inform her that we are going to have sex, where she proceeds to tell me that she is in TN and to fuck off. She has me on speakerphone and is with a lady that used to work for my dad. I decide to tell the girl how hot I think the lady is, not knowing I am on speakerphone. I sing the whole Flo-Rida song apple bottom jeans to them. They tell me they can’t understand me, and I guess this upset me and I begin to get pissed that they can’t, say horrible things and hang up on them.
~10:00 p.m. Tyson says that his next door neighbors are having a party, so we decided to head over there. Medusa goes home because she sucks at life and can’t drink. Sweet.
~10:15 p.m. We get to Tyson’s house and Colby has a 100 proof bottle of Captain with him. Everyone decides that they are not drunk enough yet so they go into Tyson’s house to go drink the bottle. I inform them that I am drunk enough and want to party.
Jake: Cool dude don’t get in a fight.
Dinger: What are you talking about dude?
~10: 30 I stumble into the party where I know exactly 2 people. There are about 50 or 60 people there, mostly dudes. I decide that I want to be next on the beer pong table and push my way to the front of the table. The kid across the table is wearing a tall tee. I am wearing a tall tee. I proceed to tell him that my tall tee is taller than his tall tee. He walks across the room, and head butts me in the nose.
(I went snowboarding the day before this and caught an edge while messing around. I went flying through the air and the first thing that hit was my nose and teeth. I began bleeding profusely out of my nose. I sat there bleeding for about 10 minutes just watching the snow get blood stained. It was awesome)
Since I had just busted my nose the day before, this dude head butting me didn’t help it, and I again, begin gushing blood from my nose. I am forced out of the house because the kids living there didn’t want a fight, like I was in any shape to fight, but I’m sure I was still running my mouth.
~10:45 I proceed to walk back over to Tyson’s house where everyone is still drinking. I guess I looked a hot mess and was gushing blood pretty bad from my nose. Tyson’s roommate later came out of his room and asked if somebody had died in the kitchen, so clearly it was bad. I guess I still had a little smirk on my face the whole time in the house. I asked them why they didn’t jump in, and they laugh at me and tell me they weren’t even in the same house.
~11:15 While I was cleaning up, Jake, Tyson, Colby, and Randy went back into the house and began trying to fight the kid who had decimated my nose. I ended making my way over there, still talking shit, and the people at the house kicked us all out. We stood outside waiting for the dude to come out, and finally he did, with the rest of the house. The dude ended up apologizing, and we were allowed to go back in the house and continue drinking. I ended up telling Jake that I was way too drunk for this and was going home. I guess I bet him 20 bucks he wouldn’t hit the dude, and to Jake's drunken mind, this was a good enough bet to take on at the time.
~11:45 I ended up trying to walk home and ended up passing out in a frat house front yard about a half mile down the road. While I’m passed out the rest is going on. The rest of the guys ended up staying at the house drinking, and Colby and Jake decided to wait outside for the kid. 20 minutes later, the kid came outside to smoke a cigarette with one of his friends. Jake, being the bigger kid, took the kids friend and tackled him into the street about 20 yards away. Colby ended up getting pushed into the side of the house by the kid who head butted me. He didn’t like that and proceeded to bash the bottle of Captain Morgan over the kids head. I guess the word got out that they were fighting outside, and about the time Colby hit him with the bottle, kids started flowing out of the house. Colby says that the kids that came out of the house were clearly more pissed off than him, and he ended up getting thrown to the ground, and kicked repeatedly by about 6 dudes. He ended up screaming for Jake, and Jake left the dude he was beating mercilessly and ended up tackling most the dudes off of Colby. More guys ended up rolling out of the house, and both Colby and Jake ended up getting kicked on the ground by a plethora of dudes. While this was happening, Randy walked outside to witness this and his drunken thought process was this. “Wow, that dude is getting kicked to death. He’s wearing a flannel. Jake was wearing a flannel. That’s Jake. Save Jake.” Randy ended up trying to break it up at first, and then tried to grab a guy in a head lock. He was so drunk he fell backwards while attempting the head lock, and the guy slipped out of his grasp as Randy hit the ground. The guy proceeded to turn around and drop a straight jab to Randy's eye repeatedly. Randy is now the third guy on the ground getting kicked. “Jason” had shown up just before this whole incident was taking place, and tried to save Randy. Jason ended up taking a kid to the ground and beating him. The kid did not like getting punched in the face, so he bit Jason’s finger, almost off. He had to get stitches. (Jason gets to wear a sweet band-aid on his finger for a while though, so that is a plus.) Some girls ended up screaming for the kids to stop and they finally all stopped playing soccer with everyone’s bodies. Randy was not very happy at this time and ended up going Denzel Washington on them in “Training Day”…you know the “KING KONG AINT GOT SHIT ON ME!” and kicks the shit out of the window in the kids house. He ends up losing his shoe in the process. He realizes quickly that this isn’t a good idea, and decides to run. The cops are coming. Randy is running down the street with one shoe, people from the house in hot pursuit.
~12:30 a.m. Everyone gets up, and surprisingly, besides a couple of bruises, save Randy, everyone is mostly ok. ( Randy ended up pretty bad with a busted eye, couple cuts, and what he says is “internal bleeding”) Colby tries to get in a car and is quickly called out by the police. He gets out and starts to talk to them. They say he got assaulted. He laughs. They say look at you, you have dirt on your face, you got assaulted. He laughs again. They ask him if he wants to press charges.
Colby: “Na man cuz I’m pretty sure I started that shit haha.”
Cops: “Ya that happens man.”
Colby ends up leaving and ends up picking up Jake who had run and was about 10 blocks away already.
I had passed out in the front yard of the frat house down the road. A girl named “Britt”, (who ended up picking up Colby and Jake about 20 minutes after me) ended up finding me in the front yard of the frat house. There was a sign above me and I ended up reading it over and over again until she found me. She ended up driving me home, but I was not satisfied with this and told her to take me to the bar. She did. Good for her.
~1:00 a.m. I walk into the bar and Bartender and Amy have a puzzled look on their faces.
Bartender: “What the fuck happened to your face.”
Dinger: “What are you talking about? Gimme a beer.”
Bartender: “Fuck no dude go clean your face up.”
Amy: “You have blood on your shoes.”
Dinger: “Can I have a beer.”
Amy gives me a beer. Amy rules.
I end up sitting at the bar until Colby and Jake are dropped off by Britt. We end up getting kicked out, which means we were obliterated beyond belief, because Bartender always lets us stay till past close.
~1:45 a.m. We walk across the street to another bar, and are shocked to find that they have made last call. Fuck. We end up talking to some frat boys who are outside smoking cigarettes. This makes Colby happy. He smokes a cig with them. I find out I passed out in their front yard earlier. Sweet.
~2:30 a.m. We end up making our way back to our house. Colby and Jake go downstairs to play some solid games of Mario kart. I end up upstairs with a girl and we proceed to have relations. I know this because Colby and Jake inform me the next day that there were animalistic screams coming from my room that they could hear all the way in the basement, over the awesome noises of Mario Kart.
8:00 a.m. I wake up as the girl is leaving.
Dinger: “What happened? My nose hurts.”
Girl: “Are you joking? Go look in the mirror.”
I get up and look in the mirror to find some blood caked on my nose. This makes me laugh. I go into Colby’s room and wake him up to ask him what has happened. I seriously have no recollection of anything.
Dinger: “Dude what happened, my nose is busted.”
Colby: “Dude, I got my ass kicked. Like literally. My ass hurts so bad rite now, someone kicked me in it so hard. You got head butted dude.”
This is where the whole story of the night before begins to unfold. Jake ends up leaving around 11. Colby and I end up going to the bar. At the bar some guy comes up to me and starts talking about my nose. I look at him blankly for a minute without saying anything.
Dinger: “Dude do I know you?
Dude: “ Ya man you were here last nite, I drank with you when your nose got busted, you told me you got hit by a frat boy or something. “
Dinger: “O sweet man my bad, I don’t remember.”
The two old guys are also there, the cool one and the creepy one. That dude was creepy. He came over and sat by us and just sat there not saying anything and looking at us. We said bye and left.
So the nose is fine, little gash nothing big, not even black eyes or anything. Colby and Jake had some bruises and that was about it. Like I said Randy got it the worst. We went to see him the next day and he was pretty upset. He said he was missing his scuba diving class today.
Dinger: “Why dude?”
Randy: “Because I’m physically unable to scuba Brian.”
Well worth it for a great night of drinking. Alcohols one hell of a drug.
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